Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thankfulness is Missing

My daughter, her husband and my granddaughter have been living with us for a few months now, but things are really not much different than when they were gone. Sure, we see them more frequently, but no deep connection really exists. My daughter is still incredibly proud and insists that she can "do it on her own" even though that is quite far from reality.

I am not sure this will ever change. While age may help engender gratefulness, we live in a "take" society and I am wonder if some of the (minimal in recent times) push from society to be thankful for what you did have is not very strong at all today.

So many people "don't want help," but that is really not accurate. They want the help, they just don't want any "strings" with it at all, even verbal reminders about being thankful.

Ironically, after all my wife and I have done, my daughter still doesn't want even a somewhat close relationship with me. I may be seeing things through my own bias, but I suspect she would much rather have a close relationship with her birthfather than she would with me.

Ah well. I do not have the "family" I was aiming for, even really a dysfunctional one. I have children who are glad to take from me at times, but who will not let me be a father at all.

That is quite frustrating, but all I can do is to try to keep growing so I can adapt and be the best I can be.


Thea said...

I just happened on your blog. I was googling "adopting siblings". I read a majority of your posts.....and for the most part, I have found your perspectives incredibly depressing. I don't know you. I don't know where you've come from or where you have been. But the theme I have picked up is that you are incredibly hurt over failed expectations on adopting your four children. It is obvious they didn't meet your needs. It is obvious that you had to work harder at loving than you thought you would have to. I commend you for sticking in there. Many a parent would have "disrupted" in your situation. What you have done, you can not see. Do not use your children and where they are now (or what they say or don't say) as proof that all your time and efforts were for nothing. It is obvious that you are sad but you are a hero. Your time was well spent even though you didn't get what you expected out of the deal. It's not all about you. It's a bigger picture. Since you like to read and you are a strong Christian, here is a challenge for you; read "Radical" by David Platt. Thank you for sharing your heart. It's ok. You DID NOT fail. You took a risk worth risking. And I admire this. Chau.

Brad said...

Thanks for the encouragement. I have this blog partially just to give me someplace to express this all. It is a bit public, but I am not worried about "hiding" this part of my life. It is what it is.

I know we had a better impact on my children than is apparent, for they are certainly better off than they would have been if they were left in the "system."

It is not what I wanted, but my wants are very irrelevant in life, especially since I am living for a purpose that goes beyond this life! :)

Still, I hope these comments can help others go into the process with their eyes wide open. I certainly don't blow the platitudes that are quite common in this area. It is a very gritty reality.

My life is harder than if we had not adopted this sibling group, but it is still likely richer, even if the pain masks the joy at this point.