Thursday, December 16, 2010

It Keeps Going On

One of the sadder things in our adoption experience is that our children often seemed to have kept only our bad habits, without the good ones taking firm root. For example, I love learning in many different areas, yet only one has followed that path, and he is heading into a spiritual direction that is completely opposed to what we raised them under.

I am also amazed at how many of their current traits they seem to have from their birth family. While a few things could have been caught at an early age, as some were in the birth home for a few years, I wonder if much if this doesn't have some genetic component, however wild that idea seems.

I am not sure what to do or say to continue to help them, as my role as a father is not completely accepted. Being offended or saying its all fine is the normal response. I do realize that parents have to step back from adult children, but knowing I missed out on so much parenting in the late teen years, due to their non-receptiveness means they need more than usual now, though are almost as resistant.

The point of this is to just keep pushing forward and showing unconditional love as much as possible. No matter how much I am rejected, I am still the one that raised them. I made the decision to love them unconditionally a long time ago and that will never change, whatever my relationship with them is!


FosterAbba said...

It wouldn't surprise me at all if behavior is rooted in genetics. If not that, then certainly the prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs contributes to many adopted kids' poor choices once they move into young adulthood.

I do think that a child's most early experiences have the biggest influence, and though they might not remember their birth parents' negative behaviors because they were removed when they were two, the kids may still repeat those behaviors because on a very fundamental level it is what feels comfortable or familiar to them on some level.

I wish I had better answers to solve what ails my adopted child, but I'm slowly coming to the realization that it is not possible to "fix" these kids in any meaningful way.

Brad said...

Very true. What is amazing to me is that even our youngest acts just like the birth father in so many ways.

I do credit God for matching us up well though, since some of the things they deal with are the exact things my wife and I struggle with as well.

We are still at the "its never my fault" stage. That is frustrating, but it is what we have to deal with. :/

Thanks for your reply!