Sunday, January 15, 2006

Does Adoption End Well?

I have seen a fair number of shows showing how adoption is working great and wonderful, but few of them look farther than a few years down the road.

It makes me wonder, is my experience so different from most? Does (imperfectly) sowing your life into a group of siblings usually turn out well or poorly? I wonder.

I know I am going through lot of turmoil now that my oldest has been out of the house for over a year and a half. We have minimal contact, with no likelihood of much anytime soon. Most of this is due to her refusal/inability to tell the truth and be honest.

How do I break through here? Can I?

I suspect I have to just comfort myself in knowning she and her siblings had a better life than they would have had in the system, and they were able to stay together.

She is supposed to be moving back with her birthfather tomorrow. While this causes me a bit of emotional pain, I think it may very well be a good thing in the long run, since he may have input into her life she will not allow me to have. She is currently in a very bad/controlling relationship, and this may allow her to start seeing herself as valuable, though I am not so sure.

More thoughts on the fire.

Hopefully I can get to some good thoughts in the future. :)



A Proud Liberal said...


It is no different with adopted or natural children. One does the best one can by setting a good example and being firm. There is no failure or success involved for the parent, once a child is on their own, the parent MUST let go and trust God.

Brad said...


Sorry for the delayed reply. I would have to say that having a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, which means they don't attach to you, makes "normal" teenage issues much worse. Children who don't view you as a parent have an almost impossible time attaching to you.

This can also mean they can tell lies about you that can cause you lots of trouble (such as charges of abuse). I have heard of it in enough families that I know it is not just our family. They also have great "manipulation skills," beyond those in "normal" teenagers.

I may post an entry on this later.

melissa.barling said...

We adopted two older children from the county, brother and sister. The eldest was nine when we adopted and her brother was five. The eldest has been diagnozed with RAD. She has a problem with me, the mother being close to her adopted father (my husband). In other words she tries to split us a part. Divorce would be just fine with her.

The best way I know how to explain these problems is like this:

All children, especially teenagers can exhibit some of the same behavior that older adopted detached children exhibit but the difference is with the adopted older child, multiply the disruptive behavior times 10.

I am pleased to see a father expressed his experiences with adoption. So much is expressed from the adoptive mother's point of view.

Please continue to post. Let us know how things go even with your kids that have left home. I will be particularly interested to see if they change as time goes by.