I was all gung-ho for helping a sibling group to stay together when I started this adoption process. I even looked down on those who would split up sibling groups, thinking it was better to keep such groups together.
I am much more skeptical of this now that I have gone through the ringer. In our case, having a family inside a family kept my children from healing. The oldest two might not have healed no matter what we did, but the youngest two got corrupted by the idea that our family was not a "real family" that subtly undermined our own family. The biggest problem is that we didn't realize that it was present until very recently, far to late to do anything about it.
While splitting up siblings and possibly reducing contact can seem cruel, it may ultimately be the best way to give these children a chance to heal.
Brad
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Please continue to tell your two youngest children that your family is a real family. Point out that animals adopt other animals all the time and raise them as their own.
Remind them that their two older siblings are very young still and inexperienced and are mistaken.
We have allowed birth family contact and have recently decided to have more boundaries from them. For a while the birth grandmother, birth aunt and birth mother were calling daily to speak with our oldest (RAD) daughter. I started feeling like a foster parent too instead of a real parent.
My daughter is barely speaking to me but I am holding strong. It is hard.
I hope my husband will post on your site and give his insights to being a father who adopted two older children.
Sincerely,
Melissa
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