One thing I keep reminding myself on my journey is that my travel is just that. I am taking part in a journey, one that may not have an end in this life. It is really rough to be alienated from any of my adopted children, but I cannot control that so I must just keep walking forward.
I do wish I could find a way to reconnect. I want to have an adult relationship with all my children, but I can't do anything to even advance that, so I must wait for them to make the moves.
Make sure you are in this for the long haul if you start down the adoption trail. You may avoid all these problems, you may not, but you need to be committed if you want to make it through successfully. Your children need that from you even if they seem to reject it!
Brad
Monday, March 08, 2010
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Shopping for Children
Though it has been a while, I still remember the distaste I had when flipping through the books listing children that were available for adoption. Part of me enjoyed looking at the listed children and wondering if my wife and I could make a positive difference in their lives, but I also remember how much it caused us to rule out many children.
Fight this concern if you are going through the process. You need to be a very "educated consumer" if you are going to adopt, especially if you are adopting children from the system.
Some random thoughts:
- While the listings may note some things, learn to read between the lines. They are often like home listings, which hide the flaws or make the flaws seem like bonuses by misnaming them.
- The child(ren) on the page will need a lot of work. You will not find a "perfect match" that doesn't have any problems you can't handle. You won't be able to handle everything, especially since you won't be able to think of everything up front, but you need to make sure you believe you can handle what is listed!
- The system will not tell you all the problems. Children are removed for a reason, so the birth home had to have some strong troubles and those are often caused by things like mental illness, intense anger, etc. Don't let anyone downgrade serious concerns like these. Mental illness issues can cause far more trouble in your life than physical ones. I think part of this is because they aren't always noticeable.
- Watch out for "mild" things like variants of autism (such as Asperger's Syndrome) that don't seem like a big issue, but need to be understood and addressed. I have read that highly skilled technical people (including Bill Gates) may be an "Aspie", so it is not as bad as the autism label makes it seem, but it can lead to many challenges raising a child. In our case, I wish I had known it before. I have many of the traits that fall in the category, so I know someone can be fully functional with them, but it certainly made raising at least one of our children more challenging than it needed to be.
- Step back from any "deal" you have qualms about. Your job is not to save the "tough cases" and you need to remember that. We are not talking a hurt pet here, we are talking a human being with many issues that must be worked through. You cannot work through them with the child if you don't have the ability to do so. Love is not enough, all by itself.
I may write more on this later.
Brad
Fight this concern if you are going through the process. You need to be a very "educated consumer" if you are going to adopt, especially if you are adopting children from the system.
Some random thoughts:
- While the listings may note some things, learn to read between the lines. They are often like home listings, which hide the flaws or make the flaws seem like bonuses by misnaming them.
- The child(ren) on the page will need a lot of work. You will not find a "perfect match" that doesn't have any problems you can't handle. You won't be able to handle everything, especially since you won't be able to think of everything up front, but you need to make sure you believe you can handle what is listed!
- The system will not tell you all the problems. Children are removed for a reason, so the birth home had to have some strong troubles and those are often caused by things like mental illness, intense anger, etc. Don't let anyone downgrade serious concerns like these. Mental illness issues can cause far more trouble in your life than physical ones. I think part of this is because they aren't always noticeable.
- Watch out for "mild" things like variants of autism (such as Asperger's Syndrome) that don't seem like a big issue, but need to be understood and addressed. I have read that highly skilled technical people (including Bill Gates) may be an "Aspie", so it is not as bad as the autism label makes it seem, but it can lead to many challenges raising a child. In our case, I wish I had known it before. I have many of the traits that fall in the category, so I know someone can be fully functional with them, but it certainly made raising at least one of our children more challenging than it needed to be.
- Step back from any "deal" you have qualms about. Your job is not to save the "tough cases" and you need to remember that. We are not talking a hurt pet here, we are talking a human being with many issues that must be worked through. You cannot work through them with the child if you don't have the ability to do so. Love is not enough, all by itself.
I may write more on this later.
Brad
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bonding is Vital!
One of the most important things adoptive parents must do is actively bond with their children. This seems to come easy for some parents, but is more of a struggle for some of us. We don't get the normal infant years where we carry a nursing child and do other things that helps make a deep bond with our child. Even if they come young, we will have missed out on much of the early bonding that most families take for granted.
Some of this is time. Some is physical contact. Both were a bit at odds with how I was raised. While my parents spent time and weren't afraid of appropriate touching, they were more private individuals and we definitely were not a touchy-feely family. My own personality is much more of a loaner, so I tend to isolate myself more, something that is not as helpful when raising children.
I mentally wrestle with how much impact this had on my children. While they definitely had many convinced that I was the source of their problems and would certainly blame any shortcoming, I am not convinced that this was the entire issue.
Still, I wish I had wrestled on the floor with them more when they were young, focused more time with them, etc. As with most parents, I would redo some things if I could and I would put this at the top of the list.
I am not sure if it would have provided the bonds I wanted though. They had enough things keeping them in their own little world, but I do wish I could have tried it more.
As I noted before, don't wallow in this. You can't change the past, but we can try to help others do better in the future. That is my aim here.
So work on bonding, even more than you would with children you had given birth to. Getting through the walls your children erect will be a challenge, but it is worth it, for their sake!
Brad
Some of this is time. Some is physical contact. Both were a bit at odds with how I was raised. While my parents spent time and weren't afraid of appropriate touching, they were more private individuals and we definitely were not a touchy-feely family. My own personality is much more of a loaner, so I tend to isolate myself more, something that is not as helpful when raising children.
I mentally wrestle with how much impact this had on my children. While they definitely had many convinced that I was the source of their problems and would certainly blame any shortcoming, I am not convinced that this was the entire issue.
Still, I wish I had wrestled on the floor with them more when they were young, focused more time with them, etc. As with most parents, I would redo some things if I could and I would put this at the top of the list.
I am not sure if it would have provided the bonds I wanted though. They had enough things keeping them in their own little world, but I do wish I could have tried it more.
As I noted before, don't wallow in this. You can't change the past, but we can try to help others do better in the future. That is my aim here.
So work on bonding, even more than you would with children you had given birth to. Getting through the walls your children erect will be a challenge, but it is worth it, for their sake!
Brad
What Can We Do?
While I may write more on my ongoing journey, I want to start writing some thoughts on what we can do to help avoid at least some of the struggles I faced. While the problems won't all go away, some things may help the process. I have to admit that these are just my feelings, but this is my blog, so I will write them!
Brad
Brad
Monday, January 25, 2010
Looking Past the Past
I have definitely gone through the stages of grief with my adult children, at least most of them. I think I am at acceptance now, but I know that this is a journey, not a destination. The family I was attempting to build definitely didn't turn out according to my plans, but I have to continue on from where we are now, not where I wished I was.
I do have signs for some hope. My wife is regularly talking with our youngest, who gave birth to our second grandchild (first for her) a month or so ago. We also have regular contact with our oldest son, who is living in another part of the state with his wife and our oldest grandchild. They have challenges and I want to give more input, but I need to sit back and just pray for them.
The other two children will have nothing to do with us, especially me. My youngest son has decided I am not family at all and feels I am wrong when I tell him he will always be my son and that he is going to change that. While he is almost certain to take the legal steps to remove any connection, I do know that my wife and I are the only ones that raised him and he cannot change that fact no matter what he does.
I expect that he will go through some pretty rough times, given some of the things he is pursuing right now. I do have a spark of hope that he will eventually change, but only time will tell if that is more than just wishful thinking.
Either way, my wife and I can be certain that our children are better off than they would have been if they had been left in the system. While I wanted more, that is definitely a worthwhile goal, even if it is not as personally gratifying.
I still would like to see more support for those earlier in the process. I have a feeling some things could have been different if we had better, more understanding support. That is tough, since the issues involved go against common sense, but that support is desperately needed if we (as a society) are going to provide a good environment for these children to grow up in.
More on that later.
Brad
I do have signs for some hope. My wife is regularly talking with our youngest, who gave birth to our second grandchild (first for her) a month or so ago. We also have regular contact with our oldest son, who is living in another part of the state with his wife and our oldest grandchild. They have challenges and I want to give more input, but I need to sit back and just pray for them.
The other two children will have nothing to do with us, especially me. My youngest son has decided I am not family at all and feels I am wrong when I tell him he will always be my son and that he is going to change that. While he is almost certain to take the legal steps to remove any connection, I do know that my wife and I are the only ones that raised him and he cannot change that fact no matter what he does.
I expect that he will go through some pretty rough times, given some of the things he is pursuing right now. I do have a spark of hope that he will eventually change, but only time will tell if that is more than just wishful thinking.
Either way, my wife and I can be certain that our children are better off than they would have been if they had been left in the system. While I wanted more, that is definitely a worthwhile goal, even if it is not as personally gratifying.
I still would like to see more support for those earlier in the process. I have a feeling some things could have been different if we had better, more understanding support. That is tough, since the issues involved go against common sense, but that support is desperately needed if we (as a society) are going to provide a good environment for these children to grow up in.
More on that later.
Brad
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Breaking Up Siblings
When I started the adoption process, I didn't see how anyone could pull any child away from their birth siblings. It seemed very cruel to not allow them all to grow up together, even if it was in a completely different family.
I have gradually changed my views on this over time and while I admit that separation will be tough to handle, I am convinced it is a much better way to help the adoptee heal, especially those with a solid memory and attachment to their birth family.
I have heard that those who catch crabs can keep them all in an open bucket, without a lid, since the crabs in the bucket will actively pull down any crabs that start to escape their confinement.
While I am not certain if this is true for crabs, since I don't catch them, I know it was true in our family. In fact, more and more of the "pulling down" gets exposed as all my children are adults and more and more leaks out about what happened when they were children, both from them and as I analyze things from a different perspective.
None of them could really heal, since they all had each other as their "family" and could actively keep out the "interlopers" who would break up the family and keep them from their rightful parents. Sure, the adoptive parents might keep them for a few years, but they would all be adults soon when they could return to their proper family, at least that is what they likely thought. Of course I am extrapolating their thoughts here, but this is what they all have done, to one extent or another.
Even the younger ones, with less of a connection when adopted, have joined back in. Our youngest says she is not interested in the birth family, but she ended up living up there for a while and could possibly end up going back at some point, in spite of all her proclamations to the contrary. That pull is so strong, nothing can break it, especially when it is reinforced during the entire growing up time.
While I may not have convinced you to break up sibling groups, perhaps you can be a little less harsh on someone who does that. Keeping them together is unlikely to get them to like you any more. In fact, doing so is more likely to get them to gang up and have them all reject you, instead choosing even a dysfunctional "family" they return to if they can reconnect with those who gave them birth.
Brad
I have gradually changed my views on this over time and while I admit that separation will be tough to handle, I am convinced it is a much better way to help the adoptee heal, especially those with a solid memory and attachment to their birth family.
I have heard that those who catch crabs can keep them all in an open bucket, without a lid, since the crabs in the bucket will actively pull down any crabs that start to escape their confinement.
While I am not certain if this is true for crabs, since I don't catch them, I know it was true in our family. In fact, more and more of the "pulling down" gets exposed as all my children are adults and more and more leaks out about what happened when they were children, both from them and as I analyze things from a different perspective.
None of them could really heal, since they all had each other as their "family" and could actively keep out the "interlopers" who would break up the family and keep them from their rightful parents. Sure, the adoptive parents might keep them for a few years, but they would all be adults soon when they could return to their proper family, at least that is what they likely thought. Of course I am extrapolating their thoughts here, but this is what they all have done, to one extent or another.
Even the younger ones, with less of a connection when adopted, have joined back in. Our youngest says she is not interested in the birth family, but she ended up living up there for a while and could possibly end up going back at some point, in spite of all her proclamations to the contrary. That pull is so strong, nothing can break it, especially when it is reinforced during the entire growing up time.
While I may not have convinced you to break up sibling groups, perhaps you can be a little less harsh on someone who does that. Keeping them together is unlikely to get them to like you any more. In fact, doing so is more likely to get them to gang up and have them all reject you, instead choosing even a dysfunctional "family" they return to if they can reconnect with those who gave them birth.
Brad
Getting Truth to the Heart of the Adoptee
This is a question I plan on thinking a lot about in the coming years. I think it is a key part of having success in this area. The stakes are high. Too many children are currently stuck in the social welfare system. While many are there for completely valid and necessary reasons, turning them into families is a serious challenge most people are definitely not ready to face.
Anyone who has read my previous posts should quickly know that I do not believe that success is simply a matter of having enough love. Two things work against that. First, these children are often connected deeply to the family they were removed from. That is ultimately a good thing, but it complicates their ability to join another family. It may even prevent it completely.
The connection they have to their birth family also can develop a fantasy tone over time, as they only remember the good things about that family and even add other things, making what they don't have "perfect" while they face the many challenges of living in a real family, one that holds them accountable and pushes them to grow and heal. Even being honest about things with them, especially as they get older, can seem like only badmouthing of the birthfamily and can end up stirring up resentment instead of understanding and healing.
Complicating this is the fact that all the paperwork by social workers may not be completely accurate. Even items that are may not fit with their fantasy memory of their birthfamily, further convincing them that you are making things up to harm their relationship with their birthfamily.
Add to this the lack of truth of what happened they may face if they do reunite at some point with their birth family and you can have a real mess. Few birthparents will want to admit to the material you received about what happened (from CPS and related sources). They may very well tell the children that all the things said about them (the birthparents) were made up lies, putting even more strain on the adoptees connection with the adoptive parent.
In fact, many adoptees already distrust their adoptive parents, so such proclamations of innocence on the part of their birth family can reinforce the view that the adoptive parents are really a part of the problem rather than the solution.
I wish I knew how to get past this. Hopefully I can figure some things out in the coming months, but I definitely believe what I have written here and it is consistent with my own experience.
Brad
Anyone who has read my previous posts should quickly know that I do not believe that success is simply a matter of having enough love. Two things work against that. First, these children are often connected deeply to the family they were removed from. That is ultimately a good thing, but it complicates their ability to join another family. It may even prevent it completely.
The connection they have to their birth family also can develop a fantasy tone over time, as they only remember the good things about that family and even add other things, making what they don't have "perfect" while they face the many challenges of living in a real family, one that holds them accountable and pushes them to grow and heal. Even being honest about things with them, especially as they get older, can seem like only badmouthing of the birthfamily and can end up stirring up resentment instead of understanding and healing.
Complicating this is the fact that all the paperwork by social workers may not be completely accurate. Even items that are may not fit with their fantasy memory of their birthfamily, further convincing them that you are making things up to harm their relationship with their birthfamily.
Add to this the lack of truth of what happened they may face if they do reunite at some point with their birth family and you can have a real mess. Few birthparents will want to admit to the material you received about what happened (from CPS and related sources). They may very well tell the children that all the things said about them (the birthparents) were made up lies, putting even more strain on the adoptees connection with the adoptive parent.
In fact, many adoptees already distrust their adoptive parents, so such proclamations of innocence on the part of their birth family can reinforce the view that the adoptive parents are really a part of the problem rather than the solution.
I wish I knew how to get past this. Hopefully I can figure some things out in the coming months, but I definitely believe what I have written here and it is consistent with my own experience.
Brad
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
More Ups and Downs
We made it through another holiday season. One son came home for a birthday party for our granddaughter and a few hours on another night. Our youngest called my wife, a couple of times, though the contact seems very abbreviated. My wife did very well until the end of the holidays, when the strain finally started to leak out. She is fine now, but the rejection is hard to handle.
You certainly don't start the adoption process expecting this, but you really need to prepare for it. It is almost worse than the struggles we faced when they were teenagers. What happened to being the "forever family" that everyone promises? Adoptive parents need that as much as children do.
As a Christian, I don't anything happens by chance. God was certainly not surprised by what happened. Evidently, He feels I can make it through this, so I will. Even if I never get the family I expected, I will know I have changed the lives of four individuals for the better. They would have had a much tougher life without the involvement of my wife and I.
That doesn't make this easy. We still have to walk through the emotions and rejection. So be it. We can honestly say we did the best we could and that is all that can legitimately be expected.
Brad
You certainly don't start the adoption process expecting this, but you really need to prepare for it. It is almost worse than the struggles we faced when they were teenagers. What happened to being the "forever family" that everyone promises? Adoptive parents need that as much as children do.
As a Christian, I don't anything happens by chance. God was certainly not surprised by what happened. Evidently, He feels I can make it through this, so I will. Even if I never get the family I expected, I will know I have changed the lives of four individuals for the better. They would have had a much tougher life without the involvement of my wife and I.
That doesn't make this easy. We still have to walk through the emotions and rejection. So be it. We can honestly say we did the best we could and that is all that can legitimately be expected.
Brad
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Ups and Downs
As I noted in my last post, I have had a bit of a restored relationship with our youngest daughter. That is a good thing, but I note that my own feelings go up and down. I really try to stay up, so I can support my children as they need it, but it is hard to stay up all the time, even after a seeming success.
Those heading into this route need to realize they may never achieve the true family they are seeking. I am not sure my children really know what a father is at this point.
The birthfather thinks biology is destiny, and it is to some extent. They all are still pulled to him, even though he continually falls short of what they want from him. Their expectations and desires of him are likely a bit high, but many are just "time and attention" needs. Ironically though, they don't always seek that from me, though perhaps I didn't do it right either. We all have our challenges being the ideal parent you see on so many "parenting success" shows, so neither he nor I can meet what they want.
That said, their is an element of respect for a father that is definitely missing in my children. The birthfamily did not really have that, at least not in the manner I was raised.
No solutions here, just some thoughts that hopefully can help someone else out, especially if you are starting this path.
Brad
Those heading into this route need to realize they may never achieve the true family they are seeking. I am not sure my children really know what a father is at this point.
The birthfather thinks biology is destiny, and it is to some extent. They all are still pulled to him, even though he continually falls short of what they want from him. Their expectations and desires of him are likely a bit high, but many are just "time and attention" needs. Ironically though, they don't always seek that from me, though perhaps I didn't do it right either. We all have our challenges being the ideal parent you see on so many "parenting success" shows, so neither he nor I can meet what they want.
That said, their is an element of respect for a father that is definitely missing in my children. The birthfamily did not really have that, at least not in the manner I was raised.
No solutions here, just some thoughts that hopefully can help someone else out, especially if you are starting this path.
Brad
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Getting Back Inovlved in Lives
All of our children left home at 17, which is quite legal in Texas. (Though you remain liable for them until they are 18. That is not right.)
I had a feeling our youngest was pregnant when she left home last spring and I was right. She turned 18 in August and it turned out she was pregnant about the time she left. I was able to visit with her and her boyfriend last week and I offered to pay for their marriage license and they took me up on it!
It wasn't quite what I had hoped, but I got to be present at here marriage ceremony with the judge (JP). They were quite happy. I returned home the day before she had her baby.
It also turned out my wife was able to get 3 days off in a row, so I got to bring her to also see our daughter and son-in-law and new granddaughter. A cute child, though one that will face some challenges in this life. I pray they all find God's peace and strength and have direction as they walk through life.
It is nice to have at least some involvement again now. Being 10 hours away isn't great, but is doable on occasion.
She is very upset with the birthfather, but he acted somewhat poorly when they decided to leave. Ironically, he is harming the very relationship he wants by his actions. I believe she still wants a relationship with him (something I encourage, even though he is completely hostile to me now), since that is such a key part of her heart.
More about this in the future.
Brad
I had a feeling our youngest was pregnant when she left home last spring and I was right. She turned 18 in August and it turned out she was pregnant about the time she left. I was able to visit with her and her boyfriend last week and I offered to pay for their marriage license and they took me up on it!
It wasn't quite what I had hoped, but I got to be present at here marriage ceremony with the judge (JP). They were quite happy. I returned home the day before she had her baby.
It also turned out my wife was able to get 3 days off in a row, so I got to bring her to also see our daughter and son-in-law and new granddaughter. A cute child, though one that will face some challenges in this life. I pray they all find God's peace and strength and have direction as they walk through life.
It is nice to have at least some involvement again now. Being 10 hours away isn't great, but is doable on occasion.
She is very upset with the birthfather, but he acted somewhat poorly when they decided to leave. Ironically, he is harming the very relationship he wants by his actions. I believe she still wants a relationship with him (something I encourage, even though he is completely hostile to me now), since that is such a key part of her heart.
More about this in the future.
Brad
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Everyone is Out Now!
My wife and I are finally empty nesters! Our boomerang son and family moved out Sunday! It is great with a quiet house. Hopefully we can now develop adult relations with everyone, but that is an open challenge.
Brad
Brad
Friday, September 25, 2009
A Very Empty Nest
As I think I noted before, all 4 of our children have split from home. We had hoped the youngest would avoid some of the troubles, but the pull of a messed up life was too much for her and she is now facing things as an adult, with very minimal contact with us. This is hardest on my wife, who had a fairly close relationship with her, but it is still tough with me too.
You don't go into this expecting to end up with nothing. While they are all better off than they would have been if they were left in the system, none appears to have a close bond to us now. I don't think they have a close bond with anyone right now, and that is ultimately more harmful to them.
We do have my daughter-in-law and granddaughter living with us for a bit more, while my oldest son completes basic training with the Army and possibly his advanced training. That has pluses and minuses. While I am glad to help them out, I also want to make sure I am really helping and not enabling. And while my wife and I want basic ongoing contact (such as phone calls), we are looking forward to a mostly empty house with just the two of us.
Many people tell me that they will "return to us" at some point, at least in the manner of having a relationship. I even had someone at a job I just left tell me (she was adopted at birth) that the birthfamily relationship loses its luster over time. I have a harder time keeping out hope for that now, but hopefully they can get over the past and we can rebuild a bond of some kind. Ironically, they are very unlikely to bond with the birthfamily if they can't bond with us. Even though I believe the birthfather would be happy if I was totally gone, his best hope for a strong relationship is if they can strongly relate to me as well.
Unfortunately, he is stuck in the "regain my family" mode. I don't know all his motivations, but it seems that this makes him much more hostile than he needs to be. It has caused him to do some strong lying and breach our trust of him, but he feels justified for his actions, so he is not sorry at all.
Long road. Think and pray hard before marching down this path, especially if you are adopting siblings. Many parents may be needed, but many parents are also rejected. Hopefully my experience is just an anomaly, but I don't think so and those pushing adoption really need to factor in the long term, not just the need, however great. I don't know that most people are ready for this at all.
Brad
You don't go into this expecting to end up with nothing. While they are all better off than they would have been if they were left in the system, none appears to have a close bond to us now. I don't think they have a close bond with anyone right now, and that is ultimately more harmful to them.
We do have my daughter-in-law and granddaughter living with us for a bit more, while my oldest son completes basic training with the Army and possibly his advanced training. That has pluses and minuses. While I am glad to help them out, I also want to make sure I am really helping and not enabling. And while my wife and I want basic ongoing contact (such as phone calls), we are looking forward to a mostly empty house with just the two of us.
Many people tell me that they will "return to us" at some point, at least in the manner of having a relationship. I even had someone at a job I just left tell me (she was adopted at birth) that the birthfamily relationship loses its luster over time. I have a harder time keeping out hope for that now, but hopefully they can get over the past and we can rebuild a bond of some kind. Ironically, they are very unlikely to bond with the birthfamily if they can't bond with us. Even though I believe the birthfather would be happy if I was totally gone, his best hope for a strong relationship is if they can strongly relate to me as well.
Unfortunately, he is stuck in the "regain my family" mode. I don't know all his motivations, but it seems that this makes him much more hostile than he needs to be. It has caused him to do some strong lying and breach our trust of him, but he feels justified for his actions, so he is not sorry at all.
Long road. Think and pray hard before marching down this path, especially if you are adopting siblings. Many parents may be needed, but many parents are also rejected. Hopefully my experience is just an anomaly, but I don't think so and those pushing adoption really need to factor in the long term, not just the need, however great. I don't know that most people are ready for this at all.
Brad
Saturday, June 13, 2009
My Son is Home for the Weekend
My youngest son is home for the weekend (4 day pass from the Army). You wouldn't guess that he left under such rough terms. Still, we keep the expectations low and things generally work out.
His mouth is not what I would pick, but is not as bad as it could be. He has clearly strayed at least some from our guidance, but I will bet more of it is there than we expected.
Time will ultimately tell how much really sank in and how much he reverted to the habits of the birth family. They are not all bad, but a few are, in my opinion, so it is a bit of an emotional hit to realize.
Of course I shouldn't worry, but what true father doesn't have some concern?
Brad
His mouth is not what I would pick, but is not as bad as it could be. He has clearly strayed at least some from our guidance, but I will bet more of it is there than we expected.
Time will ultimately tell how much really sank in and how much he reverted to the habits of the birth family. They are not all bad, but a few are, in my opinion, so it is a bit of an emotional hit to realize.
Of course I shouldn't worry, but what true father doesn't have some concern?
Brad
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Attachment Trauma Network
One group that we received a lot of help from in the later parts of our journey with our children was the Attachment Trauma Network. This is one group that real does get it in the whole area of adoption and attachment troubles.
They have a lot of free resources to help out and the annual membership is very affordable and worthwhile. I highly recommend anyone dealing with the issues I cover in this blog to check them out.
You really aren't alone!
Brad
They have a lot of free resources to help out and the annual membership is very affordable and worthwhile. I highly recommend anyone dealing with the issues I cover in this blog to check them out.
You really aren't alone!
Brad
Keeping in Love
I have been listening to a tape series by Andrew Wommack titled God's Kind Of Love Through You.
His main point is to not let others control you and to always walk in love. That is incredibly hard when you go through the rapids as I have noted here (including ongoing rejection), but I have to agree that it is vitally necessary. This is a good point, whatever your general view on the rest of his teaching or even Christianity in general.
Keeping that love focus is the only way to be open for your children. While it can be hard to believe, they really do need you, even while they are rejecting you. You need to stay in love so that you can be their (in love) when (or if) they decide to return.
This doesn't mean this is easy. It is harder to let things slide when the slide tends to go into a wall!
Nevertheless, you need that love to continue to guide you for your own sake, even it not for them. Holding the hurt and bitterness is not helpful, though it can be incredibly hard to figure out how to not let it rise up with each and every offense, many of which remain intentional.
This is not the road I would have picked, but since I am on it I will keep following it the best I can!
Brad
His main point is to not let others control you and to always walk in love. That is incredibly hard when you go through the rapids as I have noted here (including ongoing rejection), but I have to agree that it is vitally necessary. This is a good point, whatever your general view on the rest of his teaching or even Christianity in general.
Keeping that love focus is the only way to be open for your children. While it can be hard to believe, they really do need you, even while they are rejecting you. You need to stay in love so that you can be their (in love) when (or if) they decide to return.
This doesn't mean this is easy. It is harder to let things slide when the slide tends to go into a wall!
Nevertheless, you need that love to continue to guide you for your own sake, even it not for them. Holding the hurt and bitterness is not helpful, though it can be incredibly hard to figure out how to not let it rise up with each and every offense, many of which remain intentional.
This is not the road I would have picked, but since I am on it I will keep following it the best I can!
Brad
Staying Strong without Good Support
I have written a lot here about my struggles with keeping a positive attitude without firm external support. That has been the hardest part of my journey down the adoption path. This direction didn't bother me when I started, I wasn't all that concerned how children came into my life. Being rejected by all 4 of them was the hardest pill to swallow though. While it is not surprising, it has really shaken me to my core.
While I maintain many of my core beliefs, doing so alone has been a tremendous challenge.
I would say that everyone just starting down this path should find some solid support first, but I am not sure that is easy to find. I may work on some solutions to this in the future, at least for those in my area, but finding support that isn't talked out of it can be incredibly difficult.
Even my own wife got swayed at times by our children because of my firm stance against many bad things. It sometimes seemed like I was just being hard, but in reality, I was seeing what was coming and desperately trying to stop it. Being someone who sees things that are coming is good and bad.
Knowing they are coming leads me to prepare for them, but it also causes me to face them before others are willing to deal with the issues being raised. Many times it seems easier for others to pretend things really aren't going the way I see. While I am not always exactly right, I believe I have been right enough to have validated that I did indeed identify the exact right issue.
Some of that has been validated after the fact, but that still makes for a bumpy ride emotionally.
I will be working through some thoughts on how to do this successfully. I am not sure I did everything exactly right (though I did correctly identify most things ahead of time), but thinking through it here may help someone else work through their own struggle, so it is worth doing.
These children really do need a family, but many will reject it (at least for a while). You are not a saint for doing things (nor was I), but you do need a lot more coming in than you may realize when you are going through the rapids.
Brad
While I maintain many of my core beliefs, doing so alone has been a tremendous challenge.
I would say that everyone just starting down this path should find some solid support first, but I am not sure that is easy to find. I may work on some solutions to this in the future, at least for those in my area, but finding support that isn't talked out of it can be incredibly difficult.
Even my own wife got swayed at times by our children because of my firm stance against many bad things. It sometimes seemed like I was just being hard, but in reality, I was seeing what was coming and desperately trying to stop it. Being someone who sees things that are coming is good and bad.
Knowing they are coming leads me to prepare for them, but it also causes me to face them before others are willing to deal with the issues being raised. Many times it seems easier for others to pretend things really aren't going the way I see. While I am not always exactly right, I believe I have been right enough to have validated that I did indeed identify the exact right issue.
Some of that has been validated after the fact, but that still makes for a bumpy ride emotionally.
I will be working through some thoughts on how to do this successfully. I am not sure I did everything exactly right (though I did correctly identify most things ahead of time), but thinking through it here may help someone else work through their own struggle, so it is worth doing.
These children really do need a family, but many will reject it (at least for a while). You are not a saint for doing things (nor was I), but you do need a lot more coming in than you may realize when you are going through the rapids.
Brad
Monday, May 11, 2009
Flitting in and Out
My daughter (the one who decided the rules at home were too much, the few that existed) flitted into church today, said hello to everyone and then flitted away after the service was over. She was chipper as ever, though I think she is, unfortunately, very fake right now.
Dealing with reality may be tough, but it is ultimately the only way to go. It is really annoying to be rejected once again, but I can't do much about it so I have to continue on.
I sure hope this gets easier, at least on an emotional level, but only time will tell that.
Brad
Dealing with reality may be tough, but it is ultimately the only way to go. It is really annoying to be rejected once again, but I can't do much about it so I have to continue on.
I sure hope this gets easier, at least on an emotional level, but only time will tell that.
Brad
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Fighting Off Depression
Getting to the "end of the road" and having all 4 children leave at 17 is a pretty lousy outcome of our journey. My youngest decided a week or so ago that she couldn't live with the very limited rules we had when she was home, so she is gone now as well. She had been working in a nearby city at a specialized trade and coming home for a day or so most weekends, but she came home with an attitude, especially against me, more and more frequently.
I don't want her to be gone and it is not right, but it is what it is. Hopefully she will find her way before she does something that permanently impacts her life for the worse.
This stirred up more feelings for me to process. Blech.
My oldest son, his wife and my granddaughter are living with us for a while now. My son goes into boot camp this summer and they will all move together for his advanced training.
Lots still needs to be fixed, but I should focus on what progress he has made. I will write more later, but I think I have withdrawn almost too much, making it harder to connect. I will have to just keep working through things.
Brad
I don't want her to be gone and it is not right, but it is what it is. Hopefully she will find her way before she does something that permanently impacts her life for the worse.
This stirred up more feelings for me to process. Blech.
My oldest son, his wife and my granddaughter are living with us for a while now. My son goes into boot camp this summer and they will all move together for his advanced training.
Lots still needs to be fixed, but I should focus on what progress he has made. I will write more later, but I think I have withdrawn almost too much, making it harder to connect. I will have to just keep working through things.
Brad
Watch Your Marriage!
While I knew my children were really good at triangulating and splitting people against each other, including my wife and I, I hadn't realized how deep this ability could interrupt my wife and I. Looking back, it almost killed our marriage, literally. I am not sure exactly what I would have done differently, but I would definitely have worked to prevent this had I realized the serious danger.
I thought my wife and I were fairly solid, but it turns out she had been turned very much against me. This is not a general marriage blog, so I won't go into the full details, but she had almost been swayed and I believe ended up blaming me for many things that really weren't my fault.
Our society really needs to figure out how to deal with this. Many children are stuck in the system, but adopting them without firm support for the many troubles that are almost guaranteed is quite dangerous.
Brad
I thought my wife and I were fairly solid, but it turns out she had been turned very much against me. This is not a general marriage blog, so I won't go into the full details, but she had almost been swayed and I believe ended up blaming me for many things that really weren't my fault.
Our society really needs to figure out how to deal with this. Many children are stuck in the system, but adopting them without firm support for the many troubles that are almost guaranteed is quite dangerous.
Brad
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wealthy Donors Needed!
I have seen many fund raising efforts to help various aspects of adoption. Perhaps not to the level of other causes, but some key people do have significant efforts underway.
I have seen very little fund raising and funding for those who are working with the results of adoption, most likely several years down the line. This whole area is filled with a lot more mines than most people realize. Many adoptive parents come out of the process with the scars and possibly missing limbs from having had to navigate that minefield on their own.
I do not plan on doing much fundraising for wherever my efforts on this blog and this material take me, but I did think it was worth a single post noting the great financial need in this area.
At the first level, significant support is needed for parents with uncontrollable children, most often teens. Though CPS and other adults may paint the adoptive parents as the villains, they are often just doing whatever they can to make it through. The child is often the problem, but no one wants to admit that, so they suffer alone.
Money could help many of these parents cover the great costs involved with controlling such children. Long term care that can handle such teens is very expensive, if it is available at all. CPS may be glad to come after the adoptive parents for the costs, but they are not truly the guilty party. They were just caught trying to help a child work though issues that may take a lifetime to sort out. If you have lots of money and want to make a real difference, consider some work in this area. You certainly would not have a lot of competition.
I wonder if I would do this full time if I ever had such a patron? I suspect I would not, since I am interested in far too many other things, but feel free to talk to me if you really wanted to explore that. At the least, I have some ideas of places you could put some money, along with at least one solid organization that actively seeks to help parents in these situations.
Brad
I have seen very little fund raising and funding for those who are working with the results of adoption, most likely several years down the line. This whole area is filled with a lot more mines than most people realize. Many adoptive parents come out of the process with the scars and possibly missing limbs from having had to navigate that minefield on their own.
I do not plan on doing much fundraising for wherever my efforts on this blog and this material take me, but I did think it was worth a single post noting the great financial need in this area.
At the first level, significant support is needed for parents with uncontrollable children, most often teens. Though CPS and other adults may paint the adoptive parents as the villains, they are often just doing whatever they can to make it through. The child is often the problem, but no one wants to admit that, so they suffer alone.
Money could help many of these parents cover the great costs involved with controlling such children. Long term care that can handle such teens is very expensive, if it is available at all. CPS may be glad to come after the adoptive parents for the costs, but they are not truly the guilty party. They were just caught trying to help a child work though issues that may take a lifetime to sort out. If you have lots of money and want to make a real difference, consider some work in this area. You certainly would not have a lot of competition.
I wonder if I would do this full time if I ever had such a patron? I suspect I would not, since I am interested in far too many other things, but feel free to talk to me if you really wanted to explore that. At the least, I have some ideas of places you could put some money, along with at least one solid organization that actively seeks to help parents in these situations.
Brad
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