All the Rules Change

When my son and daughter-in-law moved in early last summer we made a few "rules" they were to abide by (help out significantly around the house, regular weekly "family" meetings, regular church attendance somewhere, no dog). Well, my wife (the cat lady) rapidly caved on the last one and they have a small dog as does my teen daughter (who is only home a couple of days a week now, but that is another story). The meetings and church went out the window quickly. The help around the house is debatable. My wife and I think it is not enough, though they tend to think they are almost doing too much.

We are due to be grandparents in a little over a month, but I am not sure if we are helping or hindering them, in the long run, at this point. My son can't take any questioning of his effort, or lack thereof. My daughter-in-law has challenges of her own. A year ago I would have said I would never get in this situation, yet here I am. Too much of this reminds me of his early teen years where he always claimed he was doing plenty, yet did little. He swears it is different now, but I don't completely see it.

At least he is working full time (mostly) and she is working part time. I guess I have to live with what I do have, at least for now. Having a baby (crying? screaming?) will be good in a sense, but a possible point of manipulation and likely a lot of loss sleep for all of us. I wonder if it will be worth it.

Brad

Life Throws Lots of Curveballs

I had cut off all my contact with the birthfather (after being very open with him) when I found out he deceived me to take my daughter to my youngest son's graduation from boot camp. (And she went along with that!) She was supposed to be going with him to a friend's wedding. Stupid me....

She will be going up there this week because of the death of her oldest birth-brother however. I am not going. If she gets sucked into staying I will live with that. I wouldn't put it past the birthfather to pull at her, but the largest pull will likely be from her older sister who had been planning on getting her to move up there when she turned 17 (the legal age to leave home in our state) a short while ago.

I don't know if the emotional roller coaster will ever be done, but I will be so glad if it ever is.

Brad

Clear Sailing to Pain....

Things seemed to be going well. My son and his wife are getting settled in. They both have transferred their jobs down here. He did have to take a pay cut because the local store works differently, but it seems like he may be able to advance quicker into management since this store seems to have openings there, partially because it is a just opened store. His wife also should be starting some part time work, which will give them some extra income. She is getting hit with some serious morning sickness, so it is not certain whether she will be able to continue to work, but she is certainly going to try.

She also got into a local program that will allow her to earn the few last credits she needs to get her high school diploma. She dropped out of high school in January to move up with my son and completing this will be a good step for her personally and in business.

All seemed well, until I found out tonight that my youngest son, who is currently finishing his specialty training in the Army, has been contacting his birth father enough that they know all of what is going on in his life. I am only 1 state away and I have not heard from him at all, past a letter to all of us here that I am fairly sure they told him to write to his family. I did call the S1 a week or so ago and my son called my wife and daughter, so he did talk to them at that time, but I have heard nothing since.

It also seems he will be doing a short stint at the local recruiting office in the other state before shipping somewhere overseas. It is very possible I will not see him at all, even though I would gladly drive up to see him if I could.

I don't so much mind that his recruiting stint is where he ran from to "escape" our house, but the fact that I have no contact hurts greatly. I had also not heard from my oldest daughter until I called her last week, but even then I barely spoke to her. She said she was going to call me back that night, but didn't until the following day. Then, she spoke briefly and had to run, spending most of the time griping about her brother, not talking with me about herself.

She said she would call back, but has not for several days. I called her today and left a message, but I suspect I am wasting my time since she probably doesn't consider me a "real father" anymore.

I don't know that I could have prepared for this, but it is really lousy. This is definitely not the picture given by those cheery adoption shows and promo spots. Why won't anyone deal with the reality here?

I know I will ultimately make it, but the journey is more painful than most people realize. A father's heart is true, whether you give birth or not....

Birth Family Relations

I am sure many of you know this, but birth families have their own agendas.

I got my children's original birth certificates before we finalized the adoption. (Though I would have gotten more than 1 copy if I had thought more about it.) I figured they would like to have them in the long run, so I did so. This meant I knew the original birth family information. (It also leaked through a few documents from CPS.)

When my oldest was 18 and starting to search, I decided to open up the birth last name to everyone. This ended up with contact rather quickly and we ultimately even went up to their city for a long weekend so the children could meet some of their extended birth relatives.

You might expect that this would mean the birth family would respect us and work with us with integrity, right? No way. In this case, the birth father is the only one that had ongoing contact, but he gave enough incentives that both my boys (in the middle according to age) moved up there at 17. This is legal in our state, but not in the birth family's state. We lived with it, but weren't overjoyed. This was especially bad since we thought we were working with them to accomplish the best for our children.

We now find out that we are regularly disparaged there and discounted as having any lasting claim to be a "family" for our children. This is coming from my oldest son, who has been known to "say what we want to hear" in the past, but it rings true with everything else we have picked up on.

My youngest daughter turns 17 this summer and we expect him to do all he can to get her to run up there as well. She has noted that she has no intention to do so (and she has some things that are likely to keep her in our area for a while), but I don't think that will stop him from trying. I also think she is likely to face more of a mental battle here than she realizes, but she continually stresses her commitment to me. I wish I was less hurt by all this seeming betrayal, but I will ultimately get over it.

I suspect I will personally have lots of mental tension this summer, but having my oldest son back in town is likely to play an interesting role. It is definitely stirring up relations in their birth family, but hopefully that can all settle down.

Ultimately, I don't care where everyone lives, once they are adults. I do hope to have a long-term relationship (as a father) with all of them. I don't expect to replace the birth family and I never have (though they do seek to replace me completely).

This is a disappointing part of adoption that many young adopters should prepare themselves for. The pain can be worse than anything you can imagine. Thinking the entire effort to "build a family" was a waste is really discouraging.

Fortunately, some things appear to be turning around, so the end may ultimately be good. We are not through the woods by any means yet.

Keeping Up is Hard to Do!

Things are really changing around here. My oldest son, the one who went through such a rough teenage time, is now back living at home for a while with his new wife. They got married in the spring and moved down here a couple of weeks ago. They didn't have a place to stay (that they could currently afford), so my wife and I did the surprising thing and opened up our house to them. We want to work with them to get established jobs here, pay off all bills and plan for moving into something of their own. I have a feeling this will take a few months, maybe longer. While the relationship is different since they are adults, they both seem to really be trying to lay a good foundation.

They are hoping to be able to transfer their jobs with a large national chain down here this week, so hopefully he will get into the work groove again soon. He has helped with a few things around the house already, so it hasn't been a huge vacation. The three of us went to our church today (my wife had to work) and they seemed to enjoy it, though I am not sure if they will be staying there.

A very interesting turn of events. This would have seemed impossible when I was writing some of these early posts.

More discussion to come....

A Quick Update

I keep plodding along. I have got to get a longer term perspective, since the short term looks so bumpy. I did here from my youngest son at Christmas, though not since. My oldest son has called when we were out for 2 days, but he probably wants something. I learned a few weeks ago he moved his girlfriend from when he was here up there (in the middle of her senior year in high school) which is sad, but quite legal since they are both 18 now. I haven't talked with my oldest daughter since last fall, which I posted about here. I should probably call her, but it feels like she doesn't want to talk to me....

Avoiding Depression

I thought things would be better when the two oldest were finally out of the house and later I thought letting the third oldest would help. It did in the day-to-day stress level, but I seem to be battling with depression a lot more these days. Having 3 children abandon you for someone else, blood tie or not, is a tougher thing to handle than many may realize. I plan on commenting on this more later, but I think it is vitally important for men facing this to have some really solid supports around. Unfortunately, I have none. I am effectively "on my own" it seems.

We are in a great new church, but it is a struggle to find my place and see how much I can fit in there. I don't think my wife really gets the depth of things either, at least for me, since she seems to just discount it saying (in essence) that I should just "get over it."

I don't know how it is for other adoptive fathers out there, but I was quite willing to build a family however it came. I didn't expect to have nothing after 13 or so years of investment. :(

It may ultimately turn out better, but it is still pretty bleak now.

I Am Talking with My Oldest Daughter Again

I decided to stop waiting for my oldest daughter to call me and I have talked to here several times in the last few months. She seems open to talking and I try to stay focused on hearing what she is doing and the challenges she is facing. I am not happy that she is living with her boyfriend, but I try to find out about him as well.

I called her on the way home last night as well, with no particular idea in mind and we had a reasonable talk. Hopefully this will help us relate in the long run. I feel I am still not all that important in her life, but the only way I can talk to her seems to be for me to call, so I will do so as I feel I should.

She did claim to have called me a few times in the past, but I can't recall any of these. Letting the past go, including some serious harm she personally caused me, appears to be a vital part if I want to have a chance of developing any long term relationship.

On the other hand, I have talked with my oldest son a few times. Though in his case he is always full of stories and grandiose ideas, so it is not as interesting. I don't really care what he talks about, I just want it to be true. Unfortunately, he seems to need to mature quite a bit before he will hit truth.

I wrestle with how much I should talk with him while he is not telling the truth. I want to build /continue a relationship, but I get tired of all the stories and lies. I could live with just about anything if it was true....

Brad

Time for an Update

We got down to 1 at home earlier this year. A few days after my youngest son turned 17 he decided he couldn't handle following any rules at home (like helping mow regularly when the lawn needed it), so he didn't come home from work one Saturday night. On Sunday he didn't want to come home, so the birthfather bought him a Greyhound ticket to his house (in another state) and my son has been up there since.

This was the son who said he was not going to do this! I don't think he fully thought it through, but it was in the back of his mind based on some things we have learned since then.

Several things annoy me here, but a significant part is that this son was learning to work hard and was really maturing through his work at a grocery store. He hasn't had any job since he went to the birthfather's house since it is harder for a 17 year old to work in that state and the birthfather doesn't expect anything out of him.

Ironically, he generally has no trouble helping out around the house up there.

He recently decided to join the Army. He scored very well on the test, but the Army (or at least that recruiter) is choking on his homeschool diploma here. It is as valid as any private school diploma (homeschools are private schools in Texas), but they are different in the state my son is living in and the Army is free to do whatever it feels like doing. He may have to take his GED, but he has to get school board approval in that state, something that is more difficult to obtain.

This son is likely to either do really well or really poorly in the service. If he is mentally committed he should do fine, but he can really rebel if he doesn't think he has to follow some rule. It will be interesting to see how this shakes out. We have given him our written permission to join whenever he wants. (That is needed since he is still under 18.)

While it is really annoying that my son has been enabled to leave home before he should have left, it is probably good that he is out. He was getting more violent and I am very concerned that he would have done something really wrong if he had remained here.

It also remains tough to keep a positive outlook for my youngest daughter to stay at home at 17, given that everyone else bailed early due to the ease of that in Texas, but I need to focus on the positive for her.

Brad

Sibling Group Adoption May Be a Bad Idea

I was all gung-ho for helping a sibling group to stay together when I started this adoption process. I even looked down on those who would split up sibling groups, thinking it was better to keep such groups together.

I am much more skeptical of this now that I have gone through the ringer. In our case, having a family inside a family kept my children from healing. The oldest two might not have healed no matter what we did, but the youngest two got corrupted by the idea that our family was not a "real family" that subtly undermined our own family. The biggest problem is that we didn't realize that it was present until very recently, far to late to do anything about it.

While splitting up siblings and possibly reducing contact can seem cruel, it may ultimately be the best way to give these children a chance to heal.

Brad

2 Down, 2 to Go

Our second oldest turned 18 earlier this month, so we are now down to 2 remaining at home. The 3rd child turns 17 next month. He has said he plans on staying at home until he is 18 (and finishes school and achieves his homeschooling diploma), but Texas is weird in that it allows a 17 year old to freely leave home, while still keeping the parents responsible. This makes for a really bad situation.

Society needs to get over this kick that teens are always right. Teens that come with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) definitely do not fit the "good teen" mold, though they may seem to at first. Be skeptical the next time you hear of a wicked, evil parent. Such do exist, but these children have a way of twisting things to make it seem the opposite of what it really is. And many do-gooders end up doing more harm, though they rarely deal with the long-term consequences of their stupidity.

Nevertheless, we only have 2 more to focus on, for about the next 2 and a half years. Then we can deal with everyone as adults. We may or may not be alone, but at least our responsibility will end.

Brad

Time to Start This Up Again

Well, I didn't start posting frequently as I planned, but I am going to try this again. I could give lots of excuses, but a lot of it is just getting busy on "life".

I would also lay part of the blame with how much adopting can take out of you, especially when dealing with children with RAD. Going through the many battles my wife and I faced have made me much more ambivalent about adoption.

Fortunately, things are easing up a bit now since the oldest two, and those with the most severe RAD issues, are out of the house. The youngest two are facing their own teenage struggles, but they seem to generally have things together.

Hopefully I can get some interesting thoughts put forth over the coming weeks. :)

Does Adoption End Well?

I have seen a fair number of shows showing how adoption is working great and wonderful, but few of them look farther than a few years down the road.

It makes me wonder, is my experience so different from most? Does (imperfectly) sowing your life into a group of siblings usually turn out well or poorly? I wonder.

I know I am going through lot of turmoil now that my oldest has been out of the house for over a year and a half. We have minimal contact, with no likelihood of much anytime soon. Most of this is due to her refusal/inability to tell the truth and be honest.

How do I break through here? Can I?

I suspect I have to just comfort myself in knowning she and her siblings had a better life than they would have had in the system, and they were able to stay together.

She is supposed to be moving back with her birthfather tomorrow. While this causes me a bit of emotional pain, I think it may very well be a good thing in the long run, since he may have input into her life she will not allow me to have. She is currently in a very bad/controlling relationship, and this may allow her to start seeing herself as valuable, though I am not so sure.

More thoughts on the fire.

Hopefully I can get to some good thoughts in the future. :)

Brad

Nothing More Than Foster Parents?

One area of the adoption process that many should be aware of is that you may end up being nothing more than glorified "foster parents" when it is all said and done. Many people will proclaim how much good you are doing, but if your children ultimately fail to attach, you may end up with a lot less satisfaction than you expected.

It can be tough enough to raise children in today's world with all the things that can pull them from their family, even when they were born in it. Adding in the underlying feeling that they don't really belong in you family can make it even harder for them to feel a part of things. And this can make you very frustrated if they decide another family is their true family.

I don't know that this has an answer. My oldest child is currently very estranged and my second is chafing to leave home as soon as he can. He is cordial, in general, but the deep tie is missing and I strongly feel that he is just biding his time until he can permanently rejoin his real family. I don't think he really grasps that he can never regain what was lost many years ago. He also needs to know that he has two families now. My daughter (the oldest) viewed getting back with her birth father as the solution to all the problems. Of course it didn't, but such feelings don't go away easily.

My youngest 2 don't appear to have any strong pull in this direction. They have spoken with their birth father, but they don't appear (at least not at this point) to be driven by the need to move there.

My attempt here is to raise the issue, not deal with all the emotions. Be aware of this deep tie.

It does raise a deep fear of many adoptive parents: losing their children to the birth parents, but you are better off facing it that merely pretending it doesn't exist.

Brad

Is There Hope?

I will warn anyone considering adopting from the CPS system to do a lot more investigation than most people do. It does take a good bit of idealism to even venture into this area, but watch that your idealism doesn't blind you to the harsh realities that are likely to arise down the line.

Even the best children in the system have been hurt in some manner. And parenting a hurt child takes a lot more than most parents realize. Are you ready for feedback from many who just don't get it? What will you do when your own relatives tell you to just "lighten up" on children when you are just barely holding things together?

Hopefully I can regain my initial sense of optimism, but going through the ringer with such children has a way of rapidly draining away such enthusiasm. As a Christian, I know that God is in charge of everything and I know that He was not surprised, but that doesn't make it any easier to walk through.

If you are heading down this path, find someone who has been down it before. Don't just believe the "adoption stories" shows on TV. They rarely focus on the long term, and I have yet to see one that turned out poorly. (Though what do you expect from a "feel good" show. No one would want to watch and "adoption failures" show after all, at least not outside of trash TV shows.)

Maybe you will be successful, and I pray you will, but you are much more likely to succeed if you find out what you are facing ahead of time.

Brad

A Challenging Task

Adopting hurt children, especially a group of them, is a much more challenging task than is readily apparent at the start. I remember back when we were first seeking children to adopt. We knew we could live with a sibling group, but we wanted to avoid "serious problems". I have a revelation for you: All these children have serious problems! In our case, all 4 have ADHD, one has been diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome (mild autism) and one likely has it as well. Another child has gotten a bipolar diagnosis (a bit of a broad brush though). The final one doesn't have any additional things, but that is only based on what we know now, these things seep out after time.

In addition, children coming from this background will have problems attaching. Some still can, but some are much more resistant, and may never attach. I would strongly encourage new adoptive parents to really work on this issue, even if the lack of attachment is not apparent. "Minor" problems at the younger ages can blow up into serious problems as these children reach the teenage years.

I would also not that the CPS system is just as likely to accuse you down the line as it is to be helpful. An unattached child can accuse you of things that will be taken very seriously because most children do not accuse their parents. CPS workers, police, friends, and others will all immediately put you under suspicion, even though it is really the inability of the child to attach.

I still think dedicated people are desperately needed for these children, especially sibling groups of them. But it is vitally important that you get education and support. A number of materials exist that can be helpful, but the support network is very weak. I hope I can play a role in changing that!

I will talk more on this in the future.

Brad

The Primal Wound, by Nancy Verrier

I have gone on a bit of a reading binge recently. Learning more about how I can help my children survive and thrive in life.

I plan on writing a full review later, but I wanted to note now that I see this as a very important book for all those involved with adoption, or involved with someone involved with adoption. If you are an adoptee, birth parent, or adoptive parent, this book can give you a much better insight into at least some of what an adoptee goes through.

While I am not 100% convinced of everything in the book, I do agree with its basic point that an adoptee has had a major trauma that will affect them for their entire life. This book is light on answers, but the first step is to see a problem, and this book does a good job of identifying the problem.

While the main focus on the book is on infant adoption, it also briefly covers older child adoption. While some of the outcome might be different, the trauma is the same.

For adoptive parents, this book can give you some idea of why your children act (or will act) the way they do. I know the parts where I have read ahead matched my children, and made me realize that the job of adoptive parent is incredibly difficult, much more difficult than I ever realized.

The book definitely ends up discouraging infant adoption, and I myself have always questioned the overwhelming push to have an infant (my 4 children were older when they came to us). She still allows that adoption is sometimes necessary, but I have to agree with her that it is pushed in many cases.

Her follow-on book goes into much more detail, providing solutions to many of the problems raised here, pushing all those involved to control their own behavior. I have skimmed both, but I am not working my way through _The Primal Wound_ and I will repeat my recommendation: Read this book! It will start a journey that will help you to see the truth.

Brad

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness

I very recently purchased _Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness _ by Betty Jean Lifton and it is making for some very interesting reading. (And costing me some very much needed sleep, .)

Her comments about adoptees give me a whole lot more insight into my own children, and much of what she says fits what I have observed in their lives. It does explain the intense feelings an adoptee on a triad list had here earlier when she felt I should not pull away from my estranged daughter. From what I have read, even if an adoptee is acting poorly, they take withdrawal of anyone as another rejection.

The author does a fairly good job of giving multiple perspectives. Though her main emphasis is on the feelings and thoughts of the adoptee, she weaves stories and perspectives from birth and adoptive parents in many areas.

I have found that all the adoptee-written books I have read have a perspective of children not adopted at birth. This book seems no different and I could not find any stories of children adopted older than 3 to 6 months.

I will be looking for more input on children in those situations, especially those from the foster care/CPS system. While I am sure they face many of the same issues, I think looking only at those adopted at or near birth ignores some significant factors in their background. For example, is searching, especially as a minor, really as good when the birth family had abuse or neglect?

Still, I found the book to be quite worthwhile. I diligently read the first 3 chapters, but after skimming parts of the later book I suspect I will not read the rest cover to cover, since I have so many other things in my "to read" pile. I do recommend it for adoptees, and I hope my own oldest daughter (now 18) will get hooked up with it and other books to help her clear up some of her internal struggle before that struggle ruins more of her life.

If you are interested in the book, try this link to Amazon.com: Journey of the Adopted Self

Brad

Welcome!

Welcome to my adoption-related blog.

I plan on using this to articulate my thoughts on the many aspects of the adoption arena, something that is not really well understood, though more and more seems to be coming out each day. (Either that, or I am just finding more of it, .)

While I plan on addressing some serious issues here, I also want to have fun and I want to make this both informative and enjoyable.

I am the adoptive parent of 4 wonderful children, a sibling group that came from "the system" over a decade ago. While my children are completely mine, the last few years have seen many shocks, including dealing with a lot of teen adoptee problems, many related to a lack of attachment I had not realized until my wife and I were in the middle of the battle.

I expect to speak quite freely here, while maintaining confidences. I will apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone. Part of my goal is to give the perspective of an adoptive parent. Those are the shoes I have walked in. While I try to have compassion on the views of others, I have not walked in their shoes. I encourage you to write me with your own perspective and comments, especially if they are constructive.

I am very interested in details about those adopted as "older children" (not as babies), primarily from the foster care system. I have found that is an area missing a lot of details.

Now, lets get started on our ride!

Brad Andrews